Hylian Lampoon: Ocarina of Time or Something
by Monsieur D'arque
Summary: It's back! Two New Chapters, more Heavy Metal jokes, a big spider, the return of Ganondorf, an old friend mentioned, and the world's first Evanescence/Zelda joke. Your reviews were so good, you deserve these. Enjoy y'self!
1. Who Are You by Black Sabbath

Hylian Lampoon's  
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time  
Part 1: The Early Years  
Starring:  
Mike Myers as Young Link  
Chevy Chase as Ganondorf  
Rowan Atkinson as Edison  
Weird Al Yankovic as Navi  
Amanda Bynes as Young Zelda  
James Earl Jones as Deku Tree  
Gary Coleman and Taj Mowry as Deku Scrubs Aragog as Gohma  
  
Badabadabadabadabadabadabada. Tap, tap tap. Door openy sound.  
"Well, what did you come up with? Got any new ideas for wreaking havoc on the citizens and overthrowing the ruling class?"  
"Um, how about we tell everyone but the royal family that tomorrow is officially Rock Opera Day and everyone is to act as if the entire day is a rock opera?"  
"Very good idea, but I'll save that for later."  
"Why, sir?"  
"Haven't memorized the score of Jesus Christ Superstar yet. I'm all the way up to "Could We Start Again, Please". Ganondorf picked up a songbook and began studying it feverishly.  
"Then, how about we serve ziti at a Mexican resturaunt?"  
"I don't quite understand how that could be bad."  
"Well, nobody really likes ziti, and besides, it's Italian. Ooh, new songbooks. Can I see? The Who's Tommy! I like The Who!"  
Ganondorf looked impatiently at his assistant.  
"Please. I like ziti. I find it finger-licking good. And nobody but me touches my collection of The Who. Now come up with another idea."  
"Well, how about we conquer Hyrule using the Triforce? Then you'd be king of everything, and ruin the species of the land one by one!"  
  
"It's so crazy, it just might work." Ganondorf stood up. "From this day forward, the world shall be MINE! Oh, and Edison, could you pass me the songbook? I'm just about to my favorite solo. See meeee. feeeelll meeee. touch meeee. heal meeeeeeeeee." he sang, loudly and offkey.  
We'll leave this horrible scene on this horrible note.  
  
Far away from here, in an undisclosed location only known as Kokori Forest, a little elf-boy named Link was chilling in his treehouse bedroom, doing what all little elf-boys do when they chill in their treehouse bedrooms.  
"'Cause I'm T-N-T! I'm dynamite! T-N-T, and I'll win the fight! T-N- T, I'm a power load! T-N-T! Watch me exploooooooode! Ay! Ay! Ay! Ay!"  
You might gather from this that all Kokori elves liked AC-DC, but you'd be wrong. They just all liked to play Tony Hawk, though their favorite was number three. Link was the only one who actually liked AC-DC, the Sex Pistols, System of a Down, or any other metal bands appearing in THPS4. He was a hard rocking kind of little elf-guy. And oddly enough, that was just what the Deku Tree wanted.  
"Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, Link, you son of a."  
"Okay, I hear you! Where are you , and who are you?"  
"My name's Navi, I'm a fairy, and I'm right behind you , you little piece of."  
"Whoah! For a little pink fairy, you got a sailor mouth. Awesome. Let's have a sing-along! Twisted Sister time! We're not gonna take it!"  
"NO!"  
"We're not gonna take it! We're not gonna take it anymore!!!! Excellent timing on that war cry, little glowing thing!"  
"Link, you fool! I wasn't singing!"  
"Then who was? Is there somebody else in the room? Ozzy Osbourne maybe?"  
"No! I wasn't singing, I was yelling at you to stop! The great Deku Tree wants to see us!"  
"Oh, that old fart. I remember him. He yelled at me when my music was too loud for his little pansy ears. Is he dead?"  
"Almost. We've got to get to him before it's too late. There's an evil power afoot in Hyrule. His name is Ganondorf, and he's the Prince of Darkness."  
"This keeps on getting more awesome every second. Ozzy Osbourne in Hyrule?"  
"No. This guy is really the Prince of Darkness. He's an evil sorceror who's plotted for twenty years to take over Hyrule. If he succeeds now, the Princess and her family will die for sure."  
Link's pointy little ears pricked up at the sound of the word Princess. "Princess? I have to rescue a princess? Then there's money involved. and maybe more. Is this Princess chick hot?"  
Navi thought for a moment. The Princess was anything but hot. "Umm, yes. She's a. total babe. A chickzilla. Whatever. So are you in?"  
"Excellent!"  
"Now that you're in, I've got a present for you. Take this sword and shield, courtesy of Princess Zelda."  
LINK OBTAINED: DEKU SWORD!  
LINK OBTAINED: KOKORI SHIELD!  
"Okay. So what do I do now?"  
"Just follow me. I think the Deku Tree had some sort of Bug problem for you to take care of." 


	2. Insects Make Me Want To Dance by Boingo

Navi quickly led Link to the Great Deku Tree. It appeared that it was just in time, as the Tree was apparently having death fits.  
"Link! It's time I tell you that which I should have told you eleven years ago," the tree rumbled. "Link, you are- ugh, ach, huuuuuuuu, call. verizon. wireleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-" Abruptly, the tree stopped groaning and turned a stony, dead color. Link was shocked.  
"How much did James Earl Jones get to do that?" he asked Navi.  
"Too much. Let's go in."  
"Go in? Yeah right! I don't ever go near dead guys, even if they're dead tree guys."  
"Link, if this fanfic follows the plot of the original Nintendo 64 game relatively well, you'll be seeing lots of dead things. Come on. No turning back now. If it helps, we'll sing, to keep your spirits high. How about Cousin Kevin?"  
"I've never heard that one. You sing it, and then I'll memorize it with my song-memorizing powers."  
As they entered the tree, Navi started to sing. It was a long song, and after picking up money, nuts, a sword and a shield lying on the ground conveniently, they reached the belly of the tree and Navi finished his song.  
"You weren't too much fun, being blind, deaf, and dumb, but I'd no one to play with, todaaaaaaayyyy.." Navi finished with a flourish. "So, what do you think of the song?"  
"Navi, I'm more scared now than I was in the first place. So where are we?"  
"We're in the basement of the Deku Tree. Soon, we should be in some danger. I can sense it."  
"How can you do that?"  
"I'm a built in Spider-sense. The game would have been much harder if the creator didn't program me into your gameplay mechanism."  
"Game, program? What are you talking about?"  
"What? Was I talking?"  
Before Navi could answer that question, two Deku Scrubs popped up from the ground!  
"Yo, homie. You ready to take on the best and go down with the rest?" the first said with a ghetto accent.  
Link laughed. "Oh, boy. I'm so scared of you. What are you, the Mexican-American stereotype vegetable? A George Lopez flower? John Legume- izano?"  
The second Deku scrub turned to the first. "See, I told you that you sounded too Mexploitation when you said that line. Just say the original."  
"No! I won't say it!"  
"Come on. I know what I'm talking about, I'm a smart guy."  
"Okay, okay. What you talkin' bout, Link?"  
"There! Now the studio will pay us for appearing in this horrible fanfic. Let's just get this fight over with, I've got a meeting with the Disney Channel in an hour." They shot seeds at Link, but he bounced them back and hit them into their holes. As soon as he did this, a door opened.  
"Whoa. Navi, that door wasn't there a minute ago. What's going on?"  
"It's called deus ex machina. It makes things easier for the author by being way too convenient. Now let's go inside. If you beat this boss, I think you'll level up, and you'll get more heart points."  
"Heart points, what are those? Can I trade them for the new Metallica CD?"  
"Oh, god, no."  
"Well, what about AFI? Evanescence?"  
"Link, I was referring to the giant spider hovering above us."  
"Oh. But that's beside the point. Does CD Warehouse accept these heart points? Wait. Spider?"  
The giant spider descended from the ceiling. "I hate this stupid job! How many fantasy RPGs have to have a giant spider in them? I get called for the job, I think, no problem, just a few stunts, eat a few heroes-in- training, and I'm home free. But noooo! Turns out that Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter have already done spider scenes, and you know what? The spider always dies! But I'm not following the crowd this time! I don't know who you are, or why you came here, but here me, you little maggot! This is my tree! I killed it, and even if it means losing my union credibility by going against orders, I will kill you too, or my name isn't Gohma the Great!"  
Link shot it with a foam packing peanut he found by his slingshot. It died.  
Navi said, "O-kay. that wasn't right. There must be a trap of some sort. Ganondorf wouldn't send such a horribly easy boss this early in the game without some sort of catch or hidden danger. Link, whatever you do, don't touch those heart points."  
Link touched the heart points and powered up.  
Navi screamed.  
Link began to glow a hideous shade of red.  
Navi screamed.  
Link's facial features became hideously distorted.  
Navi screamed.  
Link's stomach burst and his organs came out one by one.  
Navi screamed.  
Link went back to normal, stopped glowing, and produced a cheese sandwitch, which he spread with Spam Sauce.  
Navi screamed louder than ever. 


	3. Talkin Bout Link's Generation by The Who

From far away, Ganondorf and Edison watched Link on a small screen. Edison spoke.  
"Link's transformation was gross."  
"It wasn't gross, it was a homage to AKIRA. Don't you know your AKIRA?"  
"But what about the cheese sandwitch? Wouldn't that be a homage to HARRIET THE SPY?"  
"No! Why would there be a reference to that? Nobody likes that. and besides, you're thinking of tomato-and-mayonnaise sandwiches."  
"Oh. So what now?"  
"Well, have you made contact with the real estate agents in Death Mountain and Jabu-Jabu's Belly?"  
"Yes, sir. The tenants have moved in and constructed their dungeons."  
"Well, that's good. The first dungeon should stop Link fairly effectively. And he's headed to the Big Hylian City first to meet with Zelda."  
"Not to annoy you, but I believe it's pronounced "Hylaeian." Hi-lay- ee-on. Like that."  
"Shut up! I'm the bad guy, I can make up words."  
"But shouldn't we be worrying about Link's progress with Zelda's plan? And that new ninja bodyguard that Zelda's hired? We can't seem to find him, but we've got agents looking all over for that boy."  
"Relax! The ninja's still in training. He won't be dangerous for seven years, I know all about him. His name's Sheik Sheikah, and he's somewhere around Gerudo Valley. And as for Link, I don't think he'll ever be a threat to us. You see, from watching him, I know one important fact about him."  
"What would that be?"  
"Link is stupid." 


End file.
